You could have heard from a therapist, know-it-all acquaintance, or your favourite recommendation columnist that {couples} ought to purpose to have intercourse not less than as soon as every week to maintain their relationship blissful and thriving. However how legit is that this yardstick—and do you have to fear if your personal intercourse life isn’t measuring up?

It’s exhausting to hint the precise origins of this supposedly magic quantity, however some specialists credit score a preferred 2016 research, which discovered that banging as soon as every week was the candy spot for relationship satisfaction. (Doing it extra steadily didn’t enhance members’ reported happiness, and doing it much less was related to decrease achievement.) The reality is, although, there’s no one-size-satisfies-all reply to how typically you ought to be having intercourse—it doesn’t matter what the analysis could say.

That’s as a result of each relationship is totally different, and a single statistic shouldn’t be used as a prescription for all {couples}, Lexx Brown-James, PhD, LMFT, AASECT-certified intercourse therapist and director of the Sexual Well being Certificates Program on the College of Michigan, tells SELF. “There’s a complete host of exterior issues [unrelated to attraction] that may have an effect on how typically you do or don’t have intercourse in a given week,” Dr. Brown-James says—like work stress, as an illustration, parental duties, and easily not being within the temper. To not point out, there are many {couples} on the market who aren’t sexual however are nonetheless completely blissful and wholesome, she provides.

You must also know that pressuring your self to satisfy a sure quota may very well harm, not assist, the standard of your love life, Casey Tanner, MA, LCPC, AASECT-certified intercourse therapist and writer of Really feel it All: A Therapist’s Information to Reimagining Your Relationship With Intercourse, tells SELF. “Setting these numerical objectives would possibly encourage individuals to method intercourse with problematic ‘shoulds,’ like ‘we ought to have had intercourse by now, it’s been two weeks!’” Tanner says. Additionally, banging since you “should” (and never since you wish to) is a “nice technique to construct resentment in relationships,” Dr. Brown-James provides—which “creates emotional and bodily distance, resulting in distrust, miscommunication, and pressure.”

Merely put, there is no such thing as a golden rule for the way typically you and your companion must bone in an effort to be “wholesome.” “In my expertise, I’ve met blissful {couples} having intercourse annually who’re way more linked than these having it as soon as every week,” Tanner says. So as an alternative of fixating on the frequency, what actually issues is that everybody concerned feels secure, snug, and fulfilled.

In the event you’re not sure about whether or not your intercourse life is basically doing it for you, listed here are a couple of useful indicators to look out for in your relationship.

1. You look ahead to having intercourse.

In different phrases, you shouldn’t be aggravated, really feel responsible, or method it with a “let’s get this over with” angle. In line with Tanner, these reactions are inevitable once you’re having intercourse out of obligation, fairly than real want—which is likely to be the case should you’re striving to satisfy that “good” once-a-week quota. (Pointless strain would possibly simply kill your sexual chemistry in the long term, she warns.)