Life isn’t excellent, and there’s lots to complain about: A job that drives you up the wall. Horrible site visitors that makes you 20 minutes late to brunch. A loud neighbor who retains you up till 3 a.m. Most of us have our grievances—massive and small—and who higher to whine to than your closest buddies, proper?

Venting to the individuals who know you finest is pure and will be wholesome, Alisha Simpson-Watt, LCSW, a therapist based mostly in Middletown, Connecticut, and founding father of Collaborative ABA Companies, tells SELF. ol’ rant session can assist you course of anger or stress, and being weak and leaning in your buddies for emotional assist can really strengthen your friendships.

Nevertheless, there’s a distinction between an individual who often vents and somebody who finds an issue in virtually all conditions. Possibly they groan about their messy companion each (!) single (!) day (!), or fill any pause with their newest pet peeve. When most of your interactions revolve round negativity, it’s regular to really feel mentally drained, Simpson-Watt says, which might make it exhausting to actually get pleasure from your buddy’s firm. Beneath, two therapists clarify how one can take care of a power complainer and strike the stability between exhibiting empathy and setting boundaries.

1. Lead by instance.

Typically, I ponder why a buddy feels the necessity to share each single gripe with me. Then, I scroll up just a few messages into our dialog and understand, Oh, I complain loads, too.

“In small doses, mutual complaining looks like bonding,” Sarah Epstein, LMFT, a {couples} therapist based mostly in Dallas, tells SELF. (Take into consideration how straightforward it’s to get nearer to a piece pal after you lastly each admit that you could’t stand your different coworker.) Doing this too typically, nonetheless, can perpetuate a sample the place complaining turns into the norm on your relationship.

So earlier than you name them out for his or her habits, take a second to contemplate whether or not you’re inadvertently fueling the negativity. Higher but, make an effort to be extra optimistic, Epstein suggests: As a substitute of bashing an overrated actuality TV sequence, drop a brand new present they could get pleasure from within the chat, or point out how good their Fourth of July weekend getaway appeared on Instagram. This would possibly really feel tacky at first (particularly for those who, too, are a power pessimist). However the concept is that the extra you deliberately shift the main target to positivity, the extra pure it turns into in conversations going ahead.

2. Turn out to be a much less enjoyable viewers throughout their vent periods.

The following time your beloved begins complaining, resist the urge to match their power or ship a prolonged voice memo in response. These reactions are simply going to sign that you simply’re absolutely invested in no matter they’re venting about, which is able to solely encourage them to maintain unloading on you.

That’s why Epstein suggests retaining it transient in the case of acknowledging your pal’s frustration. (“Yeah, that does significantly suck.” “Ugh, I’m sorry you’re coping with that—I want I might assist.” “I’d be fairly pissed, too.”) Then, simply pause. By deliberately not including gas to their hearth, you’re making their ranting sprees shorter and fewer satisfying, Epstein says. They gained’t get the extraordinary response or emotional funding from you that they had been searching for, and consequently, will seemingly cease leaning on you to validate their complaints.