When your companion’s telephone is simply mendacity there—unlocked, unattended, and virtually calling your title—it may be tempting to shortly choose it up and begin scrolling. In any case, a couple of faucets can reveal who they’re speaking to, what they’re saying, and possibly some secrets and techniques you are feeling entitled to know.

And no, you’re not a nasty particular person in the event you’ve had the urge to snoop: Lots of people contemplate sneaking a peek at their vital different’s personal texts, images, emails, web search historical past, and so forth, Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD, a New York Metropolis–primarily based psychologist and advisor for the Hope for Melancholy Analysis Basis, tells SELF. Possibly your companion wronged you up to now and also you assume skimming their Instagram DMs will provide help to belief them once more. Or you might have no motive to doubt them and it’s simply good ol’ curiosity getting the most effective of you—and what hurt might one little look do, proper? (To reply that query: quite a bit, really.)

To start with, you’re most likely not going to really feel any extra reassured, validated, or safe, Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. At greatest, you gained’t discover something incriminating on their gadget, and you then’ll really feel like a responsible jerk. Or, in the event you do stumble throughout any eyebrow-raising exercise (even one thing minor like a textual content from an unknown quantity, say, or their Instagram search historical past revealing they’ve been admiring a sizzling superstar), you’re probably going to be aggravated, anxious, and probably much more tempted to test their accounts time and again (and once more)—till you’re mainly an obsessive detective.

Plus, secretly surveilling your companion is sure to sabotage your romance, Dr. Lira de la Rosa factors out. That’s as a result of all wholesome relationships want boundaries that give every particular person house and independence. “It’s regular to need to hold some issues personal,” he says (akin to group chats with buddies or awkward selfies)—which is why “a reluctance to surrender their telephone or password doesn’t robotically imply your companion is hiding one thing,” he provides. And even when they’ve given you a motive to be suspicious (maybe they cheated as soon as, or beforehand lied about their whereabouts), continuously preserving tabs on them and second-guessing their intentions gained’t convey you two any nearer.

“Belief is so necessary for any relationship to thrive, and in the event you breach it by going behind their again, your companion will understandably really feel upset, pissed off, or disenchanted,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains. And since you didn’t place confidence in them, they most likely gained’t belief you both: Your SO can’t know for certain that you just gained’t proceed to snoop, which, Dr. Lira de la Rosa says, could make them much less prone to open up sooner or later. And subsequent factor , that emotional distance might kill your spark. (Even analysis means that digital snooping can result in a breakup by growing emotions of tension and mistrust.)

So as a substitute of giving in to the temptation to helicopter over them, Dr. Lira de la Rosa suggests asking your self what, precisely, is behind your urge to invade their privateness. Are you insecure and paranoid that your companion isn’t into you? Do you continue to have lingering uncertainties after they emotionally cheated on you final yr? When you get a greater concept of what’s triggering your doubt, you’ll be able to then have a significant dialogue together with your companion about your considerations.