Oh, and speaking of getting everyone on the same page: Most people use the term “phone sex” to indicate a traditional call, so it’s always a good idea to seek some clarity about what it means for all parties. It would be a little awkward (and kind of sweet) if your partner got all dressed up for FaceTime sex and you simply wanted to talk dirty on the phone.
4. Find somewhere quiet and private to have phone sex.
“I would generally encourage people to decide on the logistics before they actually try to engage in it, especially if they’re using video,” Michels says. If you can have spontaneous phone sex, go for it! But if you live with other people, have privacy concerns, or want some time to prep—go ahead and plan. Find a time and place that allows you to speak openly without disturbing others around you.
5. Don’t forget to charge your phone.
Just like having your vibrator die while you’re using it, it’s probably uniquely terrible to have your phone die while you’re having sex. To that end, make sure you’ve charged your phone (or other devices) and that you are somewhere with good phone service or a strong Wi-Fi connection.
6. Start off slow.
It can be helpful to ease into the conversation, before diving into the specifics of what you’re doing or what you’d like to happen. Share some affectionate words with your partner, suggests Dr. Brito, or even talk about the best part of your day, which can help you feel more relaxed and connected. Similarly, when it comes to the sexy stuff, “start with something small, like I am imagining kissing you right now, [or] I am thinking about the last time we kissed,” Dr. Brito says.
7. Set the mood.
As Michels said, it’s helpful to plan a little bit for phone sex. This should, again, include charging your phone and making sure you’re somewhere private, but it can also extend to wearing lingerie, lighting a candle, or anything else that puts you in the mood.
8. Build anticipation.
If you’re not having spontaneous phone sex, it can be challenging to figure out how to turn your phone call into a sexual act. Yes, candles and sexy clothing can help you get into the groove, but you might also consider sending a seductive photo or a flirty text message to build anticipation. Ultimately, Michels says that being “transparent about your desires” is the key to good phone sex, and letting your partner know you want them before you get on the phone might help.
9. Try phone sex as foreplay.
It doesn’t have to last for hours or end in an orgasm to be exciting. “Utilizing phone sex as foreplay can turn an entire day into an erotic adventure,” says Helfer. Scheduling short flirty calls throughout the day, or surprising a partner with a sexy voice message, can help ease the pressure if you’re not sure how to keep a longer conversation going.
10. Consider starting the call by reading erotica to each other.
Maybe you don’t exactly know how to get started. Maybe you and your partner have only used the phone to rant about politics. You can try to slowly introduce more sensuality into your conversations by reading erotic literature to each other, Michels suggests. She recommends the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love ($19, Amazon), a nonfiction reference book, but you might reach for a good ole fashioned romance novel instead.
11. Watch porn together.
Maybe reading books out loud feels more awkward than actual phone sex, or you want to try something else, too. Consider sharing audio porn before your date, swapping video clips, or even taking some time to find and watch porn while you’re on the phone together. You can search for ethically produced porn on sites like Make Love Not Porn, Bellesa and Lust Cinema.
12. Talk about the past—or the future.
Like sharing porn or reading books, you can get things started by talking about some of the best experiences you and your partner have shared (remember vacation sex?) or even opening up about something you want to try doing together in the future. Remember to lean into the details so that you and your partner can let your imaginations soar, Michels says.
13. Break out your sex toys.
It’s no secret that sex toys can increase pleasure and help you maximize certain types of stimulation when you’re alone (or together). So don’t be afraid to use them during phone sex. A bonus: Some sex toys like the We-Vibe Moxie ($120, We-Vibe) allow your partner to control them remotely.
14. Try having phone sex under the same roof.
You don’t have to be long-distance to experiment with phone sex. If you live with your partner, try calling each other from a different room, Dr. Brito suggests. You might imagine you’re meeting each other for the first time or simply allow your close proximity to build anticipation—knowing they’re in the other room (and vice versa) can be super hot.
15. Embrace role-playing.
This one is tricky—we don’t want you to feel like you have to perform, but it can help if you slip into character. Think of it as allowing yourself to surrender to your sexual fantasies and step outside of yourself for a moment. What would you say if you had no fear? Who would you be if you weren’t concerned with other people? Allowing yourself to express your desires through role-playing, or an alter ego, might help you express your most authentic fantasies, Michels explains.
16. But don’t feel pressure to perform.
Role-playing is awesome, but don’t mistake play for performance, it can still be an authentic and intimate experience, Michels says. “There’s a little space. There’s a little more [time to] take things in,” she says. So, instead of assuming you need to sound like a porn star (unless you want to), connect with your body and your partner so that you can emphasize pleasure over performance.
17. Check in with yourself before, during, and after phone sex.
Yes, aftercare is important for remaining connected with your partner, but you should also make sure you connect to yourself. If phone sex was uncomfortable, unpleasant, or just plain dull, be honest about the experience. It’s okay if your aftercare conversation involves admitting that you’re not sure you like phone sex.
18. Stop at any time if you don’t feel comfortable.
Consent isn’t something you only give at the beginning of sex. It’s something that you continue to provide throughout. And just because sex is happening by phone doesn’t mean that consent rules disappear. If you change your mind or want to stop at any point, don’t feel pressure to continue. If phone sex isn’t working for you, you can (and should) end it. Do what feels right, and enjoy.
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