Hadley Vlahos is a 31-year-old hospice nurse, mom of three, and, as of this previous summer time, a New York Occasions bestselling writer: Her debut e-book, The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters Throughout Life’s Closing Moments, recounts her journey to end-of-life caregiving, delves into a number of the extra mystical issues she’s witnessed as her sufferers die, and explores the impactful relationships she’s made alongside the way in which. The In-Between—SELF’s November Effectively-Learn E-book Membership choice—is a deeply shifting reflection on lots of the fears that plague all of us, bringing inevitable life experiences like sickness, ache, loss of life gently to the floor.

I not too long ago chatted with Vlahos about her job, caregiving, grief, speaking to her youngsters about dying, and learn how to help the individuals you like when phrases merely don’t really feel like sufficient.

SELF: What recommendation would you give to a first-time caregiver for somebody who resides with a terminal sickness or dying?

Vlahos: Don’t be afraid to ask for assist, and take it daily. For many individuals, caregiving is a marathon, not a dash. I are available in over the past six months of somebody’s life—by that time, it’s not unusual for sufferers’ caregivers to have already been in that function for a few years. It’s not sustainable to look after another person for that lengthy with no break. In case your neighbor affords to sit down with the one you love so you’ll be able to go get groceries by your self or take a nap, take them up on it! There isn’t any disgrace in asking for or accepting assist.

Do you could have any suggestions for caregivers on how they will maintain their very own psychological well being?

Acknowledge that anticipatory grief—grieving an individual who remains to be bodily alive, however now not themselves attributable to their sickness—is totally regular, however it does make the duty of caregiving tougher. If it’s possible, I’d completely advocate getting a therapist or licensed psychological well being counselor. Caregiving could be isolating and overwhelming. Having somebody that will help you by way of these feelings could make a world of a distinction.

Is there part of loss of life and dying that you just was afraid of however now not scares you?

I was very afraid of the unknown. What occurs after we die? Does nothing occur? Is it going to harm? Now that I’ve been with so many sufferers as they’ve died, I now not concern it. I witness sufferers course of their inevitable loss of life and are available to peace with it. I watch sufferers see their deceased family members earlier than they die and really feel very comforted by their presence. For me, I now know that it doesn’t matter what occurs on the finish, I’ve the choice to be snug and calm. Realizing what loss of life seems like and that I ought to have the ability to have it makes the considered loss of life not scary for me.