Breakups are a particular form of emotional hell, so discovering the best phrases to consolation a buddy going by one could be tough. Living proof: There’s one factor plenty of well-intentioned individuals say to ease their pal’s ache that isn’t as supportive because it appears. Not solely is that this frequent sentiment counterproductive—it will also be downright insulting, Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LPC, professor at Northern Illinois College and creator of Poisonous Friendships: Realizing the Guidelines and Coping with the Pals Who Break Them, tells SELF.

“By no means inform a buddy that you simply knew their ex was ‘dangerous information’ from the beginning,” Dr. Degges-White says. Urging your finest bud to not waste tears over a jerk who cheated, say, or a workaholic who couldn’t even ship a cheerful birthday textual content would possibly look like a reassuring actuality verify. Nonetheless, such a criticism isn’t all that useful for a number of causes.

First off, in case your buddy finally ends up rekindling issues, the truth that you referred to as their associate an thoughtless asshole or an emotionally unavailable baby might linger behind their thoughts and trigger them to second-guess getting again collectively, Dr. Degges-White says—even when the problems that led to the breakup had been resolved. (In different phrases, they could begin to see their important different by your crucial eyes, which might trigger pointless stress.) To not point out, your friendship might additionally take successful: Your pal might hesitate to confide in you about their love life transferring ahead, because you’ve made it fairly clear you’re not the largest fan of their relationship.

And even when they name it quits for good, airing your unsolicited disapproval most likely received’t enhance their temper or vanity in the long term: Popping off about that “loser” they dated for years (unintentionally) insults your pal’s skill to choose a superb associate, Dr. Degges-White explains. Plus, getting over an ex is already so emotionally difficult—“so it actually doesn’t assist your buddy really feel any higher once they’re having a ‘mistake’ rubbed of their face,” she provides.

Okay, now that you already know what not to say, what’s a greater solution to present your assist? “Do not forget that when a liked one goes by a breakup, empathy is without doubt one of the most essential issues you may supply,” Dr. Degges-White says. This will embody reminding them that it’s okay to really feel unhappy—and that you simply’re there to pay attention. Or simply displaying up at their place with a bunch of their favourite snacks and watching Netflix on the sofa collectively so that they don’t need to wallow alone.

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